Have you heard of the latest outrage perpetrated by the electricity special-interests? They’re promoting these “electric lamps” — can you believe it? Everyone knows that a lamp involves burning a wick to produce light. But next on the radical electrical agenda is getting America to accept non-burning elements in our lamps.

This is just not in line with over 10,000 years of tradition. How can we accept something without a wick as a lamp? It’s preposterous! Nothing in our constitution says anything about wickless lamps. Our Founding Fathers never considered electric lamps. Nothing in the Bible supports calling a non-burning device a lamp. Electric lamps fly in the face of everything we as Americans hold near and dear.

Some will point out that until recently, we didn’t have gas lamps, and that gas lamps don’t have wicks. To these nit-pickers I say, gas lamps are obviously lamps because they use good old-fashioned combustion to produce light. Combustion was good enough for my grandparents, and it’s good enough for my children. What will my impressionable youngsters think if they see someone using one of these new “incandescent” lamps? Why, I just wouldn’t know what to tell them. How could I explain it to them?

I hope you’ll write your congressman soon and support me in my drive to amend our Constitution to forbid these wickless, smokeless, horrifyingly flame-free lamps. Some states may want to enact “lighting device” legislation, but it’s clear that if we don’t stop this radical movement now, we may soon end up with streets full of fluorescent lamps and a sickening neon glow on every corner. I can’t imagine anything more disgusting.

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