I used to read Adbusters, back when it was fashionable, but I haven’t peeked at it for the longest time. There’s only so much bad news I can take. Canadians lecturing me about USAian culture is also a little grating after a while. And the whole cult of asceticism just bothered me. As if the world could be saved if we’d all just view every one of our economic interactions as a moral choice.
This latest thing they’re doing, publishing “a carefully researched list of who appear to be the 50 most influential neocons in the US” and then labeling which ones are Jewish, just smacks of stupidity. Who are they trying to convince, and what are they trying to convince them of?
Have you heard of the latest outrage perpetrated by the electricity special-interests? They’re promoting these “electric lamps” — can you believe it? Everyone knows that a lamp involves burning a wick to produce light. But next on the radical electrical agenda is getting America to accept non-burning elements in our lamps.
This is just not in line with over 10,000 years of tradition. How can we accept something without a wick as a lamp? It’s preposterous! Nothing in our constitution says anything about wickless lamps. Our Founding Fathers never considered electric lamps. Nothing in the Bible supports calling a non-burning device a lamp. Electric lamps fly in the face of everything we as Americans hold near and dear.
Some will point out that until recently, we didn’t have gas lamps, and that gas lamps don’t have wicks. To these nit-pickers I say, gas lamps are obviously lamps because they use good old-fashioned combustion to produce light. Combustion was good enough for my grandparents, and it’s good enough for my children. What will my impressionable youngsters think if they see someone using one of these new “incandescent” lamps? Why, I just wouldn’t know what to tell them. How could I explain it to them?
I hope you’ll write your congressman soon and support me in my drive to amend our Constitution to forbid these wickless, smokeless, horrifyingly flame-free lamps. Some states may want to enact “lighting device” legislation, but it’s clear that if we don’t stop this radical movement now, we may soon end up with streets full of fluorescent lamps and a sickening neon glow on every corner. I can’t imagine anything more disgusting.
And what did you do for Valentine’s Day? Would you believe I saw this thing?
Realizing that something was needed that would posses superior strength,the engineers began the task of constructing the power monster. The metal marvel began to take shape and after long hours and hard work, Megasaurus was born! This mechanical beast stood over 3 stories tall and weighed 50,000 lbs. 1,000 feet of veins and arteries feed his mechanical heart, pumping at 50 gallons per minute. Blood pressure exceeding 2,500 pounds per square inch, giving him 5 tons of crushing force in each of his mammoth claws. He could lift 30,000 pounds to his gigantic mouth. His massive jaws attaining 15,000 pounds of biting force. To ensure total destruction, Megasaurus was equipped with 200,000 BTU’s of burning power.
The Torch says, by way of 411:
Triple H has made it known that he does not want to continue to work with Chris Benoit following WrestleMania XX. The Game is now pushing for Edge to return as a member of the RAW brand so that the two of them can have a program together.
How about that? Is Trips really that short of faces to feud with? That short of more talented and exciting careers to ruin? The answer, of course, is yes. I can’t believe anyone would even consider doing this. No wait, I can believe it. I can totally believe it.