Your bible-fearing Christian likes to throw around Leviticus when they are trying to fill in the blank in “God hates ________”. For instance, Leviticus 11:10 tells us that God hates shrimp.

Chapter 18 is particularly good, because it reads like a really unimaginative purity test. Verses 1-5 are just some preface material, “I am the LORD“, etc, etc. Verse 6, God says not to bone any close relatives, then in verses 7-16, he goes on to helpfully list all of these relationships: your mother, your sisters and half-sisters, any granddaughters you might have, your sisters again, any aunts on your dad’s side, your aunts on your mom’s side, your father’s sisters-in-law, your daughter-in-law, and finally, your own sisters-in-law. Whew!

What did this leave out? Umm. Everything, I guess, if you’re a girl. Nieces and cousins, too. God does have some other special Springer-esque additions, too, in verses 17 and 18: don’t shag both a woman and her daughter, or any of her grandkids. Also, don’t marry your wife’s sister and have sex with her while your wife is still alive. To review that last one, it’s okay to marry two sisters at once, but you can only screw one of them, at least until the first one dies.

Okay, now that we’ve got all this tricky family stuff out of the way, we’re on to the easy stuff. Verses 19 and 20: “Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period. Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed to Molech, for you must not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.” Here’s where God starts to lose me. How the heck do you mention banging your wife during her monthly visit from Aunt Flo in the same breath as child sacrifice? Maybe God’s just speaking off the top of his head here — he did mention sisters twice in the list up above.

Anyway, after all of this, he finally gets to gays: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” I’m told on good authority that though one could read this verse as only applying to three-way sex, it’s actually about dudes getting it on with dudes. Verse 23 rules out bestiality, and explicitly mentions that women shouldn’t do it either. Does this mean the other rules God’s been listing off don’t apply to women? Guess so.

I bring this all up because I wanted to make a point about how knocking boots with ladies who were on the rag got our country into this mess, but now I’m just not sure how to make that point anymore. Reading the Bible has made me all confused and woozy.

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