I enrolled in a beginner’s aikido course last May, and took about 8 classes before I broke my clavicle in a bicycle accident. Then, after getting clearance from my orthopedist, I went back to aikido in August and re-injured my still-fragile collarbone. X-rays, poking, prodding, and the doctor came up with a new figure: three months. In January, I went to see the doctor again, and he cleared me for action. I’ve been procrastinating since then.

I remember really enjoying aikido when I was doing it last year, but mostly now I have a familiar feeling of dread when I consider trying it one more time. I think it’s equal parts worry about hurting myself again and fear of coming in as a novice for the third time. When I first started, the feeling of beginning, of honestly admitting that I had no idea and accepting instruction — these appealed to me. Now I’m no longer a true beginner, but I’ve got to start all over anyway.

I’m still not sure I’m actually going to start again in April. At this point, it feels like something I ought to do, rather than something I want to do. Am I trying to talk myself into it or out of it?

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