Your bible-fearing Christian likes to throw around Leviticus when they are trying to fill in the blank in “God hates ________”. For instance, Leviticus 11:10 tells us that God hates shrimp.

Chapter 18 is particularly good, because it reads like a really unimaginative purity test. Verses 1-5 are just some preface material, “I am the LORD“, etc, etc. Verse 6, God says not to bone any close relatives, then in verses 7-16, he goes on to helpfully list all of these relationships: your mother, your sisters and half-sisters, any granddaughters you might have, your sisters again, any aunts on your dad’s side, your aunts on your mom’s side, your father’s sisters-in-law, your daughter-in-law, and finally, your own sisters-in-law. Whew!

What did this leave out? Umm. Everything, I guess, if you’re a girl. Nieces and cousins, too. God does have some other special Springer-esque additions, too, in verses 17 and 18: don’t shag both a woman and her daughter, or any of her grandkids. Also, don’t marry your wife’s sister and have sex with her while your wife is still alive. To review that last one, it’s okay to marry two sisters at once, but you can only screw one of them, at least until the first one dies.

Okay, now that we’ve got all this tricky family stuff out of the way, we’re on to the easy stuff. Verses 19 and 20: “Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period. Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed to Molech, for you must not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.” Here’s where God starts to lose me. How the heck do you mention banging your wife during her monthly visit from Aunt Flo in the same breath as child sacrifice? Maybe God’s just speaking off the top of his head here — he did mention sisters twice in the list up above.

Anyway, after all of this, he finally gets to gays: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” I’m told on good authority that though one could read this verse as only applying to three-way sex, it’s actually about dudes getting it on with dudes. Verse 23 rules out bestiality, and explicitly mentions that women shouldn’t do it either. Does this mean the other rules God’s been listing off don’t apply to women? Guess so.

I bring this all up because I wanted to make a point about how knocking boots with ladies who were on the rag got our country into this mess, but now I’m just not sure how to make that point anymore. Reading the Bible has made me all confused and woozy.

Not to beat upon a dead horse, but let me harp upon the Volokh Conspiracy a little more. Specifically, David Bernstein and Randy Barnett. Firstly, can anyone tell these guys apart? Every third post is pure self-promotion, and the rare post that isn’t some kind of book or appearance plug (or both!) is a one more rehash of how anti-Zionism is the same thing as anti-semitism. How many times do I have to read “allowing its own destruction by endorsing the ‘right of return'”? And how am I supposed to take seriously a link to an article written by, I kid you not, the director of the Vidal Sassoon International Centre for the Study of Antisemitism at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem?

Most of the stuff that’s left after you filter out these two jokers is great. (Except Sasha’s interminable lyrics posts. We get it! You’re the “hip” one!) Eugene has the solution, which he posted in an entry I’m nominating as the best post to the Volokh Conspiracy ever. In short, just tack “?exclude=davidb,randy” on the end of every volokh.com URL, and you’re golden. Remember, we’re all libertarians here, so it’s not censorship unless you’re a government agency.

Okay, my lighthouse keepers, I need you to find something out for me. Why is R. Kelly wearing a mask all the time now? I know he claims to be the “pied piper of R&B” (and isn’t that an unfortunate comparison to be making, Kells?) but that can’t be the whole story. Here’s a guy on trial for various and sundry transgressive acts involving minors — I think that R. Kelly in a Zorro mask is ruling it, but I could see some people finding it a little creepy.

He’s wearing the mask in his video for Step in the name of love [decent midi, ringtone appropriate] and also in the new Cassidy video for Hotel [horrible midi, ringtone length] — both really very good songs. And now we can see that he wore the damn thing to the Grammys. I would seriously like to know the real story behind this. I will keep you posted if I learn more.

Well, Steev has been predicting this for years, but it finally happened. Tucked into a little update on the Wrestling Observer is this tidbit:

Sable is out of action due to leaking implants.

How about that? Who would have thought it would happen to Sable, though? She’s not the most active wrestler these days, for which I am thankful. Let’s all just ponder for a moment what would happen to her “career” if, instead of having her leaky implants replaced, she had them removed.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wasn’t that fun?