Last month, I found a letter on the streets of Evanston, Illinois. I’m sorry, dear reader, that it took me so long to scan it in and make it available to you. It’s dated September 22, 1988, and it’s addressed to a ‘Gingy’. I have no idea if it’s authentic, but I’m pretty sure it was printed on form-feed paper by a dot-matrix printer.

If this letter is yours, and you’d prefer that it be kept private, please let me know.

Let us now speak of Jamba Juice. First, the Jamba Juice menu:

Acai Supercharger ™, Matcha Green Tea Blast ™, Turbo Tropic ™ Strawberry Nirvana ™, Mango Mantra ™, Berry Fulfilling ™, Tropical Awakening ™, Protein Berry Pizzazz ™, Orange Dream Machine ™, Jamba Powerboost ®, Coldbuster! ®, Kiwi Berry Burner ®, Banana Berry ™, Strawberries Wild ®, Razzmatazz ®, Berry Lime Sublime ™, Cranberry Craze ®, Orange Berry Blitz ™, Citrus Squeeze ®, Orange-A-Peel ™, Caribbean Passion ®, Aloha Pineapple ™, Mango-A-Go-Go ™, Peenya Kowlada ®, Peach Pleasure ®, Chocolate Moo’d ®, Peanut Butter Moo’d ™.

Please note that the name of every single item is some kind of trademark. Why? Because it’s stupid. Especially note the purposeful misspelling of Pina Colada to allow for this trademarking.

Now, these things are all commonly known as smoothies. Are any of them named “smoothie”? No. Are any named “freeze”, “shake”, “blend” or “frappe”? No. They all have stupid names that it pains me to even consider saying. Is this for legal reasons, so that they can be trademarked? Is the very word “smoothie” owned by some other corporation? Has some consultant advised Jamba Juice that in addition to having a company name that people with any amount of self respect have trouble speaking aloud, they need to give each of their drinks a soul-crushing name?

God forbid you walk in there and shuddering at the sight of the menu, try to order a “Kiwi-Strawberry Smoothie”. You’ll get such a blank, cow-like stare from the brainwashed drone at the register, you’ll wonder if you can ever be happy again. Of course you’ve already guessed that small, medium, and large are not options at Jamba Juice. Here, they’re Sixteen, Original, and Power. POWER!

Internet, I ask you: where have all the sane, sober people in the world gone? Why does everything have to be silly?